When Erotic Romance is Neither Erotic nor Romantic

I’ve been reviewing erotic romance this week and, boy, the sex is hot, but the characters? Oh my god, if I was a guy and a woman talked to me like that, I sure as hell wouldn’t want her sucking my cock, even if it did shut her up. And a guy who's that possessive that he wants to hit every guy who looks at his woman? My friend divorced that guy for stalking and battery.

And when did it become a rule for romance that the main characters have to clash in their every action and opinion so hard that it grows to such a pitch that the only possible resolution is to fall into bed together? The last guy I dated who I argued with, I ended up in bed with someone else. 

Maybe it’s just me and couples really do fight that much, women really are prickly virgins, and men want to deck other men for checking out their woman's goods. But it does remind me why erotic romance can be a huge turnoff. That and it’s rife with virgins. But that’s another rant.

Dead Mice and Blowjobs

If your spouse is amenable to it, it is perfectly acceptable to use sex as a bargaining chip. 

Excerpt from real text message exchange this week:

Me: I will suck your cock every day for a month if you take care of the dead mice in the basement this weekend. Deal?
Him: DEAL!!! :-D

The last time I threatened not to blow him until the kiddie latches went on? Yeah, not so much. The cabinets are still secured by duct tape and zip ties.

The choice is yours.

Happy, Dirty Relationship: Nexus

The whole idea behind Happy, Dirty Relationships came from, among other things, reading Kristina Wright’s book Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After. I can’t seem to find the line exactly, but the concept was that couples who are content, emotionally and sexually, in their relationships are almost an invisible population.

It was one of those AHA! moments for me, as I finally realized why while all the other women I know complain about their guy, I shrug and go “mine can’t seem to get around to installing the childproof latches for the toddler.”

In the broad scheme of things, not that big of a deal.

It’s also because I don’t make it that big of a deal. (Even withholding fellatio didn’t work, so this is one of those things I’m never going to win.)

There are a lot of things that go into a dirty, happy relationship. And it’s going to be different for everybody. But if you are one of the few, know that you’re not alone.

And if you figure out a way to motivate your guy to install the kiddie latches, even if it involves a three-way and a billy goat, leave me a comment lol. 

Check out Ande Lyons' video review of Bedded Bliss here. 

Dirty, Happy Relationship Reflection #3

The law of reciprocity talks about how a positive action begets another positive action. Not just that, but the second positive action is much more likely to be more positive than the first action. Conversely, if someone is negative or hostile, the reciprocating action is much more likely to be more negative. Basically, positive begets positive and negative begets negative. No one wants to keep doing nice things for someone who treats them like shit, is the nitty gritty of it. Reciprocity also involves doing something without intention of getting something back in return, but that’s a much longer discussion.

So how does reciprocity apply to dirty, happy relationships? Instead of bitching about how a man can’t load a dishwasher or a woman can’t be bothered to put gas in the car, thank them for the stuff that they do that you appreciate.

If you must say something about how the direction of the plates in relation to the pots and pans, I’ve found that a positive, informative approach works well. “Hey, thanks for loading the dishwasher, but you know what I’ve found works really good for me? Doing it like this. Just a thought. You can fit more in this way.” As opposed to, “You never do this right. Why even bother if you can’t do it the way that it’s obvious? Idiot.” See the difference? The old folks were right about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. Granted, the only reason we want flies right now is because it would mean there wasn’t this much snow. :-/

Three of Hearts!!!

Doesn't this look amazing?! I'm so excited to be part of this antho, and can't wait to read the other authors! Look for it October 14, 2014!!

Dirty Relationship Reflection #2

In //Pursuing the Good Life: 100 Reflections on Positive Psychology//, the late Christopher Peterson talks about how work, love, and play are fundamental to human happiness. He adds service also, in an addendum, because service offers a connection beyond the more intimate conception of love, which usually refers to spouse, kids, loved ones, and neighbors, to a larger, less integrated community.

I’m not here to recap Peterson’s book, though I am reading as I write these posts.

When considering play, I think of writing. It’s still a hobby for me—at best part-time work (which I seem to specialize at—part-time job, part-time farmer, part-time writer, part-time stay-at-home-mom). But a hobby is, by nature, play. Play, Peterson points out, is essential in the animal world, and people who pursue leisure time activities are happier than those who do not.

So, Ax, you might be asking, WTF does this have to do with romance and relationships?

Well, ever play make-believe with your partner?

No, no, you dirty-minded fellow perverts, not that kind of make-believe. I have never been a serving wench and he has never been pirate. (Though that does give me a story idea…) I’m not talking bondage or pony-play or even a sexy plumber scene.

As a writer, my job is to basically sit down and play make-believe with myself. And when I love writing the most is when it feels like play, like I’m sitting down at my desk and playing in my imagination for two hours during the kiddo’s naptime. But sometimes, like all writers, I get stuck.

I’m a talker; it’s how I work through sticky plots, character motivations, grocery lists, you name it. Luckily my partner doesn’t mind this. I often wander into our living room, tell him about whatever writing thing I’m having a problem with, he talks to me until we figure it out, I go back and write it down. Recently, we’ve started collaborating on a non-erotic project (sorry, kids), and it’s been a blast. Basically, I get to sit and play make-believe with my partner as we construct a novel together. 

The take-away from this?

For that, I’d like to quote Christopher Peterson.

“In play we find and pursue our passions.”

Writing is one of my passions. My partner is another. Put them together, and the end result gains far, far more worth than the sum of its parts. What do you two (or three or four...) enjoy for leisure, and how can you use that to strengthen your own relationship?

Happiness Can Be Taught

I’m no relationship expert. The only relationship that I can really be considered an expert at is my own. It’s sort of a dirty little secret that my partner and I are so happy in one another—like goofy-happy, adoringly stare into each other’s eyes type happy. We don’t fight; we rarely so much as disagree, and we genuinely enjoy spending time together. So while I might not be able to comment on someone else’s relationship issues, I am able to discuss what works for us.

I wandered into knowledge of positive psychology by accident. Well, accident and a date. My partner teaches the stuff and, since he’s my partner, I care about what he cares about, and vice versa.

Or at least will listen to the other ramble on and on when all we want to do is take a shower and go to sleep. (That is, by the way, how you know its love, when he matters more to you than your pillow does.)

Positive psychology reverses a lot of the teachings from other branches of psychology, namely looking at what is right as opposed to what’s broken or pathological. It also emphasizes that happiness can be taught.

In the spirit of this, I’d like to reflect about happiness in relationships, mostly romantic relationships, since—surprise!—I write erotica, and erotica by nature tends to deal with romantic relationships to some degree. And also because, as far as relationships and positive psychology go, that’s where my expertise lies. So over the coming weeks, this is what I can teach about what works for us, and hopefully it can be adapted into something to work for you.

Keep smiling; it makes them wonder what you’re up to.

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